Page 4 February 17, 2022 EL SEGUNDO HERALD
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Garage Sale
2/19/2022 8am-11am; 344 Penn
Street, El Segundo. Location front
lawn; tools, furniture, piano, clothes,
kitchen appliances, DVD’s.
Wanted
WANTED. Vinyl, records, vinyl,
anything musical. Collectibles/antiques.
Typewriters, sewing machines, military,
silver, Japan, records, stamps, coins,
jewelry, Chinese, ANYTHING. Buy/Sell/
Trade. We sell for you on EBAY. Studio
Antiques, El Segundo. 310.322.3895.
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Your Neighborhood Therapist
Dear Neighborhood Therapist,
My partner and I recently began couples
counseling. Our relationship is generally pretty
good, but we sought out a counselor because
we want to work through some problems
that have come up in the last few years.
When we have our meetings, my partner is
constantly trying to convince the therapist
that they are right about what is happening.
It’s not working, but I still feel like this is
really unfair and it is making our relationship
worse. Is this normal in therapy?
– Not Losing, El Segundo
Dear Not Losing,
Unfortunately, it’s pretty common that one
partner will try to “win” couples’ therapy.
Some people come to therapy claiming to
be seeking a referee, but what they really
want is someone to call fouls on the other
person as a way of validating, elevating or
normalizing their own position. Of course, if
one person is winning couples’ therapy, then
that means the other person is losing, and
generally that’s not helpful to the relationship.
A good therapist is not going to focus on
who is right or wrong, because assigning
blame is unlikely to serve the relationship. Nor
is therapy a negotiation where compromise
is by default the preferred solution. Are you
going to try to negotiate for half as much
abuse? Half as much infidelity? Not likely.
Instead, a good therapist is going to ask
hard questions that ask people to justify their
behavior and their positions. This is when it
gets uncomfortable sometimes! Some people
feel like a therapist is “against” them, when
in fact the therapist is simply pressing for
answers to a question that a partner does
not want to answer. The reason they do not
want to answer is because their answer is
unsatisfactory according to their own values,
and nobody likes to come face to face with
their own hypocrisy.
But we are all hypocrites to one degree
or another. Many people don’t like the way
cattle are treated, but they still eat burgers.
Being a hypocrite does not itself make you
a bad person.
In therapy, it often happens that one partner
has “gotten away with” something for a long
time, and that time is ending. And so they
try to “win” therapy instead, hoping that
a “neutral referee” will rule in their favor.
Hoping their partner will be told to change.
That’s the wrong way to look at it. The fact
of needing to change or to act differently in
order to accommodate your partner’s wants
or needs does not itself make you a bad
person. Every person could change in ways
that would please their partners or loved ones,
and most of those changes are uncomfortable
in one way or another (otherwise we would
have changed already!).
Neither one of you would be there if you
did not want things to be better. So why is
your partner trying to win instead of looking
for ways to support your relationship? Are
they trying to get you to submit to their will?
How do they think that will go? Perhaps it
feels easier to fight to be “right” than to
face the shame that they might have been
“wrong” all along. Your therapist will be
working hard to kick shame out of the room,
and once shame is gone, your partner may
find that changing isn’t so hard or so bad.
Please write to tom@tomandrecounseling.
com or text to 310.776.5299 with questions
about handling what is affecting your life,
your family, the community or the world.
Tom Andre is a Licensed Marriage & Family
Therapist (LMFT119254). The information
in this column is for educational purposes
only and nothing herein should be construed
as professional advice or the formation of a
therapeutic relationship. •
“Imagination is everything.
It is the preview of
life’s coming attractions.”
– Albert Einstein
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